Untuk segala pemikiran yang membentang luas seraya ku terjaga pada malam yang kelam.

Mengapa aku tak bisa mendapat keduanya. Kutemui kalian di waktu yang sama, semua serasa tepat. Kalian berdua memikulku di bahu yang sama.
Aku tak siap kehilangan salah satunya.
Terlalu berat.

Tahukah kamu ? Aku sudah mencoba untuk tidak memikirkan, untuk tidak sedih akan segala kenyataan yang memisahkan dua pemikul bahuku sekaligus.
Aku mencoba.

27/01

i don't feel good tonight

i don't feel good tonight.
not even another night.
i don't wanna be here
or there.
i just wanna sleep alone and crying over the night
i was just so sad without any specific reason hhh
i feel so mad to myself to made my life like this.
whats my fault.
who's there??
who's in me??
who am i ??
but who cares?
miserable
and pathetic all the time
i don't ask for help.
i just myself and that's all.
happy crying, all.

22/1/18

everything that i've been afraid of,
i wish i could skip my life phase stair by stair and jump into the happy ending

with someone i love,
with a happy life,
with enough money to live my happy simple life.

someday, someone gonna hold me closer.
he will hug me tight,
and force my brain to say this.
someday...

i hope so,

or maybe

please???

don't You think that i deserve to be happy too? :'(

what if i lost you?

what if i lost you?

once again,
i asked myself

what if i lost you?

i can't make everything stay with me

and,
i just confused
how to not to be sad.
how to be happy.
with every single little things that we did

what if i lost you?
would u be sad just like me ?
will u runaway and look for someone else to replace me?
or..
or.....
or.......
or ??????

and all negative things come up into my mind while i'm writing this shit

tell me
i don't wanna leave or left.

One night, when i can't sleep.
while i overthink on everything.

i think;

my life is a mess.

having a bad bad bad life,
having a empty space in your heart,
i don't feel complete, not at all
maybe bcs i have something but i should take it separately.

i just don't feel enough for being my own self.

and

i've being grateful all the time but still,
i never feel enough.

i'm sorry for being me.

Resume bout 2017

my life is a mess
full of unpredictable things
over thinking and insecurity.
miserable and pathetic
people come and go
i can't make them stay
i can't make my own happiness.

bout i've just over think bout them
at the end, i never found my home.
everyday full of miserable think.
feeling not good enough for everything.
i wanna cry but it'll never fix anything at all.
my life was never good and i was so sad cs i never found my home too hhh