Dari kita yang terjebak kata "biasanya".

sering kali otak berputar seraya bergumam; aku biasa begini dengannya.
aku sering begini dengannya.
namun apa ?
semudah itu ia melepaskan hal hal indah yang sepatutnya lebih diingat daripada hal yang buruk adanya.
begitulah kebanyakan manusia; mereka hanya mengenang kesakitan mereka masing masing tanpa mengenang kebaikan yang menyakiti.

kita tak pernah bisa memanggil kenangan indah saat rasa jahat lainnya bergejolak bercampur amarah.

sayang,
akhir ini otakku sering begumam..
dulu aku dan dia pun lebih dari ini adanya.
kami berjalan perlahan bersama hingga salah seorang atau dua diantara kami menjauh.
kami pergi agar tersesat bersama.
belajar agar bodoh bersama.
kedinginan agar hangat bersama.
....entahlah.

kadang saat kau merasa telah mampu meninggalkan suatu sosok, beberapa kenangan memanggil seakan menarikmu perlahan dalam peristiwa yang kau tau takkan bisa terulang.
aku tak ingin kita terjebak dalam kata terbiasa.
karna kebiasaan dapat hilang, kenangan tetap tinggal, dan saat itupun kau tahu bahwa orang yang kau kenal sedemikian rupa tak lagi sama.

dan takkan pernah menjadi sama

lagi.
Yogyakarta, 28 September 2017

raincoat.

...and i laughed.
why?
cause no one's gonna remind you to bring your jacket every rainy day.
no one's gonna borrow you her weirdo green raincoat.
no one's  gonna text you "hey, where are you at? it's raining outside. did you bring ur raincoat? if it's not, just go to my dorm and we'll wait till the rains are done with their job. or maybe you can take my raincoat instead of waiting for them? i'm not gonna go outside today, or forever more. "
no one's gonna say "i have another weirdo raincoat too. you can take this one. what? you don't want to use it? ugh dude. lemme help you wear this weird raincoat. here you go, your left hand, your right hand, and the last thing. you should use the hoodie too. whoa you just looks like a frog bcs this raincoat makes me feel like that too. take a care on your way ya."

hahahah no one right?
i've treat you as good as i can. i already be as lovely as i can. but ...
idk.
why'd u leave me?
ugh.
sometimes the weather can makes us overthinking too.

dear;and.

darl,
are you alright ?
liking my friend's picture at  12:45 AM doesn't seem good for you.
did you overthink bout everything we did just like me ?
it's been around 3 months and i hate this feelin stay longer than i expect.
what bout you?
they say, you don't care.
No more.
I mean like.. i do care, so bad.
what about you?
suddenly text me without feeling guilty makes your life happier ?
what
do
you mean ?
if you can't sleep tonight, please stay with me and we'll stay awake and hug each other in this cruel world.
this cartoon eyes can't take pain much longer.
and when i'm alone, my eyes can't lie
they drop some rain over and over again
wait for my veins stop to pump any blood.
and i still shout your name out of loud.
and
and and
and..
and ?
how are you, and ?
hurting me makes you feel better rite?

12:59AM
25/9/2017

fml

if life must go on with or without him,
i'd rather live my life alone than
make some new ( pseudo ) memories.

13

will you take care of a broken soul?
no, you won't.
you told me just let everything on the flow.
and i'm just waiting for nothing,
doing for nothing.
how could we end up like this?
i wish i know the old you.
we got question we should not ask.
i remember every corner when we sat, we talked.
i remember;
and
i
miss
everything.
i was not born to drown, but you made me feel like that.
when was the last time i slept on your shoulder?
when was the last time i tickle your waist and burn ur concentrate when you ride your motorcycle?
darling i'm so happy last year.
when we still dunno bout anything.
when i still dunno that i'm just nothing.
somehow, somehow i always end up in your arms.
for the first time i end myself up in someone's arm.
miss our laugh but your words just kill my old soul
forever.
1year1month darl and my brain still catches your name.

- - -

jogja siang sedang panas panasnya
jogja malam sedang dingin dinginnya
pagi itu aku senang sesenang senangnya
malamnya aku sedih sesedih sedihnya.

what have i done ?

So, how does it feel?
Cryin but smiling?
Realising that you are not missing someone, but you miss the memories .
You just wanna be alone but
you're just too afraid to see yourself drown into sadness.

and the only question that i can ask to myself is
what have i done?
with myself,
with him,
with you?

help.

...but they said

"when you did nothing,

you'll never get anything."

so i've done everything,

but end up with dying.

??

so how was yours now ?
and how about us then ?
we were okay
and i'll always be fine
as long as we don't eyes to eyes each other but sorry to say
i never miss the new you today.

you, read, and watch.

maybe you were just a movie.
i love to watch you, a lot.
and we were just a book
and both of us
have the deep character.
i don't wanna re-read our book.
but i just love to watch a kind pretending boy in front of me.
and when i read you, you just turn urselves into a hungry bear who ready to eat myself up.
i'm giving up.
cs you will never show ur another soul to everyone but me and your another yours.
just let them read you, and i just can pretend that i never read you, i just love to watch the usual you.
but still.
a hungry bear still a hungry bear dude.

this is for the fuckin evil (re: you)

i've done
everything
that
we
haven't done
before.

i've done
them
all
with
him.

and
i swear
swear
and swear
i never
ever
ever
want
to
remember
anything
about us
anymore.

but then,
you greet me
without
any guilty
and
sometimes,
i
was
just
too sad
to
know
you
so well
and
i was
just
too sad
to
miss
us
so bad.

xxx

what
if
i
was
broken
and
i
don't
wanna
heal
at all.

i've been
being
broken
and
i
know
nobody
can
fix
this.

and
i
know
no matter
how
many
times
everyone
tell
me
that
"you need someone to fix urself"
i still
talk
to
my brain
that
i've been
lost
my own self
and
i
dont
wanna
be
her (the old me)
no more.

for; everyone who read this.
please remember that, what you did to someone may affect on their and theirs

forever.
for-ever.

Ada yang Aneh

ada yang aneh, selalu.
setiap kali aku melihatmu,
aku selalu ingin tertidur.

mungkin karna,
aku terlalu nyaman.


hingga detik ini
masih.

68

....lalu aku melirikmu

seraya hati meneriaki namamu

dan kini,

batin dari batinku berkata;

setelah sejahat itu kau padaku,

masih sebegininya aku merindukanmu?

setelah semelarat ini kau buat nasibku,

masih sebegitunya aku mencintaimu?

-tsamarah

Things that make me happy;

Things that make me happy :

- Being alone and suffering.

- Chocolate

- Ice cream

- Reading

- Watching movies

- Crying

- Praying

there's nothing bout u, nothing bout him,  or anyone else.

it just bout me and what I'm doing alone.

cs I am not loving anyone and I don't want to do it . No more.

tolong;;

jadi,
aku ini
sedang meragu
apakah ini diriku
atau
tidak ?

maka
dari
itu,
janganlah
mengenalku
saat
ini
dahulu.

untuk;
siapapun.

tolong



cari aku.

just

don't

do

the

things

that

torture

yourself

the

most

F*ck for everyone who.....

who proud of their parent's money.

who ask someone's outfit brand and mock on their cheap outfit style.

who lie to their own friend for an evil reason.

who always compare her/his self with someone else and never being satisfied with God's creation.

who never think bout other's feeling.

who mock someone in the public.

who act like a boss.

hhhhsociety...

We die, so what?

Maybe I was wrong,
that I don't wanna build any memories with someone, no more.

Maybe I should make them as much as I can,
and what if it's hard to forget them ?
It's okay.
Time heals anything.

Maybe you can't forget it,
maybe it'll torture you when you did the same thing.
The feelings won't be the same.
You will remember it as long as you're alive.
But, why not ?

We die, so what ?
Build it
Make it
As much as you can.